RUNNING THE MILE – CHUCK SPEAKS
Hello everyone,
You may have noticed in the above comments of mine I’d referred to the past “couple of days of very difficult work”. One of those challenges involved “feeling like giving up”. Here I’ll try to share those feelings and how I was able to handle them.
I believe it began with my anger at Mistress Alisa for having exposed and (correctly) chastised me for failing to be totally honest with her during one of our sessions. The actual reason for this, as I understand it, was the disconnection I have with my honest, true, and free self, which I am learning to accept, even though rather difficult. However, when I heard this and understood I had gravely failed, I was instantly driven into helplessness, a desire to escape, and a decision that I would never succeed at this work. I was totally lost and felt deeply that I was done and beyond help so I may as well give up.
As I began to seek another sex worker who would comfort me and support my extremely kinky desires, I still struggled with what was to be my destiny, as I sought the right sex worker. When I found the one I believed would take care of my “wants,” she was not available until the morning. I slept, difficultly, through the night. But I also retained my foundation in the hope for a break from these “chains”. Then morning came and, maybe my guilt or hope or something, had me holding on to true love, so I continued to refrain from engaging with her for the time being. I confessed my difficulty to Mistress Alisa and she reminded of this:
“You need to wrap your brain around something – sex workers come and go, especially after they take your money and they fail to excite your desensitized dick anymore. If your wife were to go (for whatever reason), your ass would be absolutely LOST. Get your priorities together, Chuck.”
I knew Mistress Alisa was right. I struggled with being in a position where I was about to lose hope of my joy of self-gratification. However, I also realized it was certainly a selfish perspective to have. This reminded me of the real reason for my having hope of finding a way to free myself of these “chains” and finding my true desire, love.
So, I picked myself up and began putting one foot in front of another. I would try again to be honest and transparent in order to truly beat my monster.
